I'm Brian Lyke. For over 30
years, in Big Sur and on the Monterey Peninsula, I've enjoyed helping couples
create a ceremony that reflects their values and intentions for their life
together. I'm comfortable with large or small weddings, with inter-faith marriages,
and with those who want a spiritual but not necessarily religious ceremony.
The following are some of the questions I am most often asked about me and my
approach to the wedding ceremony along with my responses. If you have questions
which are not addressed here, I hope you will write or call. I look forward
to helping you create a ceremony to mark this important transition in your life.
I am a graduate of Princeton Theological Seminary where I earned a Master of Divinity degree (M.Div.). I have served as a college chaplain (Dickinson College in Carlisle, PA), as a Hospice Chaplain (Hospice of The Central Coast in Monterey, CA), and as an Interim Pastor. For 20 years I was on the staff of Esalen Institute in Big Sur, CA.
It depends on what you want. I believe that couples choosing to get married should have the opportunity, if they wish, to participate in the creation of their own wedding ceremony. I have a lot of experience in helping couples find ways and words to honor their spiritual values and create a ritual that has meaning for them. Sometimes the ceremony looks very traditional and sometimes it is less traditional. In all cases I strive to create a mood and atmosphere that is sacred and heartful but not stiff and uncomfortable. Ideally, we would have one or more conversations by phone or in person to get to know each other a bit so that I could develop a ceremony in consultation with you that is a reflection of your most deeply held beliefs and intentions for your life together.
Again, it depends on what you wish. We can do a simple, traditional ceremony with no frills and take as little as ten minutes. Or, we can take 20 minutes or longer, and know that we have done something very special together that you and your loved ones will be glad to remember for the rest of your lives.
Absolutely! I find that most people want more than a civil ceremony. They may not be sure what they believe about God or may not want a lot of religious terminology, but they do want to frame their commitment in spiritual terms.
Yes. I believe that together we can create a ceremony that honors your spiritual roots and also honors your decision to grow beyond the confines of any one tradition. The important thing to remember is that you are planning the first major event in your new life as a married couple, the wedding ceremony itself. This ceremony, ideally, should be a reflection of your values, beliefs, and intentions for your life together. At the same time you don't really want to offend anyone on this most special of days. I'm sure we can find a way to keep our balance on this tightrope.
About you personally, I'd like to know as much as you're willing to share. I'd love to hear the story of how and when you first met. When did you realize that this relationship was special? What kinds of challenges does this relationship present to each of you? Have either of you been married before? What happened in that marriage? Do you have any children? Would you like to involve them in the ceremony in some way? Who will be in the wedding party? Will your parents be in attendance? Will someone "give the bride away?" Will you be exchanging rings? Are you planning any music, anyone singing or playing a special song? Are there any particular readings you'd like as part of the ceremony? Are you planning a rehearsal? Would you like to write your own vows?
If you want something very simple and traditional with nothing to make it personal to you, I can do that immediately. But if you want a ceremony that really speaks to who and where you are, that puts this moment in the context of your life, I would appreciate as much notice as possible. In any case my calendar tends to fill quickly so it's best to call as soon as you know your date.
I wear a very simple black robe, and I'm comfortable wearing a suit. I'll let you decide what's appropriate for your wedding.
The fee depends on a variety of things. How complex is the ceremony? Is there a rehearsal? How many consultations will we have? Is there significant travel involved? There is no charge for an initial consultation, and after that first meeting, we will determine the fee.
Much discussion and public debate is now taking place on the issue of same
sex marriage and the legal status of those marriages that have taken place.
And many Christian denominations, as well as faith communities from other traditions,
are engaged in painful and challenging discussions about how to understand
this issue. I believe that two people, regardless of their sexual orientation,
who are in a loving, committed relationship, promising each other the safety,
space and support necessary for their mutual growth and development as persons
should be able to marry if they so choose. I would be happy to honor such a
relationship with an appropriate ceremony.
11. Do you require couples to have counseling before officiating their marriage?
This is an important question. Most couples, if given a choice, will choose
not to have counseling. Perhaps they feel it’s unnecessary because they
think they’ve already talked through all of the issues that could trouble
their marriage. Or perhaps they’re so caught up in the romance and excitement
of their relationship that they can’t conceive of anything ever coming
between them. Going to a counselor who will ask questions and stimulate discussion
about “personal” matters may then seem intrusive and a waste of time.
And if it’s a counselor who is also a clergy person, it may feel even more
threatening if their experience of “religion” or clergy is has not
been positive.
Having said that, it’s my experience that ignorance isn’t really bliss
at all. Going into a marriage without going through a process of self-examination
and open discussion with your partner is like walking into a mine field. You
don’t really know what to expect. Marriage is perhaps the most complex
of human relationships, and it’s intended to last for a lifetime, but unfortunately
many couples are not equipped to deal with the challenges they face in marriage.
It’s estimated that over half of all first marriages will end in divorce,
the average marriage lasting less than seven years.
Loving someone doesn’t mean there will never be conflict, but how you deal
with the conflict, how you communicate with each other as you work through the
conflict is vitally important. We are all required to study and take tests,
written and practical, before getting a license to drive a car, but no such
tests are currently required in most states before getting a marriage license.
Those couples who are already living together before marriage may think that
is adequate preparation, but statistics show that cohabitation prior to marriage
does not increase marital success. There is no substitute for good preparation.
I use a tool developed by Life Innovations called, Prepare/Enrich. It’s
an inventory that each partner takes separately which when scored shows the
strengths and growth areas of the relationship. It teaches valuable communication
and conflict resolution skills and helps couples become aware of important issues
before they turn into major problems. During our first session together each
partner takes the inventory and in subsequent sessions the results are discussed.
This inventory is scientifically designed and based on the scores of hundreds
of thousands of couples. It can discriminate premarital couples who get divorced
from those that are happily married with about 80-85% accuracy.
I believe strong marriages and strong families are the foundation of a healthy
society, and so I strongly urge every couple to take the time to prepare wisely
for their marriage. If they put as much time and effort into preparing for their
marriage as they do in preparing for the ceremony, I’m convinced our divorce
rate would be significantly reduced.
If coming to see me for this counseling is not possible, I am happy to refer
you to another counselor closer to where you live.
12. Are you available to do other kinds of ceremonies, in addition to weddings?
I began Life Celebrations primarily as a wedding website and it has been very successful in connecting me with couples who want an opportunity to celebrate their love in a way that affirms, without a lot of “religious language,” their values and the spiritual connection that binds us all together in the human family. Most of the couples that find their way to me are not looking for a church wedding (though some are, and I’m happy to work with them as well.) They’re seeking to be more inclusive and they want a personal touch and a relationship with an officiant who has time for them and their concerns.
I’ve enjoyed doing the premarital (and post-marital) counseling that
some couples have chosen to do with me, and I’ve been delighted to hear
from couples whom I’ve married who have been blessed with a child and
have asked if I would be willing to do a baptism or Christening. I find that
this is an opportunity to explore with them the meaning of baptism and it’s
role in the life of faith. I’ve also been asked to officiate at memorial
services for families with whom I’ve worked. Having come to know and
trust me from the wedding experience, they thought of me when the need arose
to celebrate the life of a loved one who passed on. In addition I’ve
created home blessing ceremonies and even parting ceremonies for couples who
found themselves going in different directions, and after counseling, realized
their marriage was not healthy for them. Such a ceremony is an opportunity
to affirm their love for each other and their gratitude for a shared journey
while also releasing each other from those wedding vows.
Still others contact me when they wish to affirm their love in a vow renewal
ceremony. Often this occurs after the couple has endured some period of stress
and uncertainty about their relationship. Having worked through the difficulty,
often with professional help, they want to celebrate this victory of love and
forgiveness with an appropriate ceremony.
What’s true is that life is full of transitions of various kinds, and
what’s also true is that in our culture we are impoverished when it comes
to acknowledging these transitions with appropriate ceremony. Many people today
do not have an ongoing relationship with a community of faith. They may have
grown up in a particular religious tradition, but many have left it by the
time they entered college. Though some find their way back later in life, many
do not, and feel the loss of their connection with Spirit. My work, my
calling, if you will, is to be there for such people to create with them a
meaningful ceremony to mark a time of transition. If you would like to talk
with me about such in a time in your own life, or in the life of someone you
love, please contact me.
This is an outline of a typical wedding ceremony. It contains
elements which you may want to include or exclude from your ceremony.
For me the important thing is that what is said and done is an
accurate reflection of your values, beliefs, and intentions for
your life together. You should be totally comfortable with every
aspect of your ceremony, or it's not your ceremony.
The minister, groom and his men are waiting as the bridal party comes to join them. I then ask the one escorting the bride:
Who presents _______________to be married to _______________?
Not everyone wants this question asked. If this is your first
marriage, and you want a traditional ceremony, this question is
appropriate.
Words of Welcome
I begin by welcoming everyone and putting what is to follow in
context. If the ceremony is interfaith (Christian - Jewish, for
example) I am careful to make an opening statement that is inclusive
of both traditions and acknowledges the One God from whom we all
come. This welcome sets the tone for what follows.
If you have family or other loved ones who are not able to be present because of illness or distance, I am happy to welcome them among us in Spirit. Though absent they are still part of the circle of love that surrounds you.
This is where I speak for a few minutes about marriage and the deeper meaning it contains. The inspiration for my words comes from our conversations, and, hopefully, from God, or "The Great Mystery." I don't say the same thing at every wedding. Some themes are: the importance of friendship, love and commitment; marriage as a spiritual practice and means of growth; the relationship between keeping your own identity and individuality as you enter this most intimate of relationships, and so on. These remarks are addressed not only to you, but also as a reminder to those gathered with you. This takes 5 - 7 minutes.
Some couples really like this because it is a way of involving
those who have come to celebrate this day with them. I offer the
opportunity to your guests to share some words from their heart
about how they feel as they see you taking this step together.
This takes the ritual into a deeper place as your friends and
family share their joy on this occasion.
Sometimes it's useful to let some people know in advance that
this is part of the ceremony so they can be prepared. Others will
be inspired in the moment. I'm careful not to let this go on too
long. I like doing this because of my belief that these rituals
should involve the participation of those who know and love you...your
support community, who have stood with you and witnessed the development
of your love for each other. Some couples are clear that they
don't want to give these people a chance to talk, so whatever
you choose is right for you. If there is a soloist or special
music or something in particular you want read, this would be
a good place to insert it.
This is the question, asked of you both, which signifies your intention to be married. The groom answers first. The question as I am currently phrasing it is:
________ do you choose ________ to be your wife (husband), companion and friend, and do you promise to love her (him), respect her (him) and accept her (him) as your equal through all of the changing circumstances of your life together? If so, say, "I do."
This question may be phrased in other ways if you wish. This is just one example.
The Blessing of The Gathering
Do all of you give your blessing to this marriage? If so, say, "We do!"
I ask for the rings and speak briefly about their significance and what they represent. I give the groom the ring he will give the bride, and her the ring she will give him.
The vows are the high point of the ceremony. Everything builds
to this. Some couples choose to write their own vows which they
will read or say from memory. Others want to say their own words
trusting what's in their heart at that moment and don't want to
read or memorize anything. (Brave souls!) Others may repeat after
me the traditional vows:
I _____________ take you _____________ to be my wedded (wife,
husband), to have and to hold from this day forward; for better,
for worse; for richer, for poorer; in sickness and in health;
in joy and in sorrow; to love and to cherish, as long as we both shall live.
I give you this ring as a sign of my promise.
However you choose to do it, it's the moment when you are
asked to really be there with each other. Forget that there are
people watching and take those moments to see this person standing
there with you, and to feel the love you have for each other,
and out of that connection, say your vows. Even if no one can
hear you, they will feel what you are communicating to each other.
This is where I invite those gathered with you to support you as you grow in your marriage.
I offer a prayer of blessing for you as a newly married couple.
I announce that you are now husband and wife and invite you to embrace and kiss.
I present you as Mr. and Mrs. __________ or as (however you'd like to be introduced.)
You walk out together, followed by the rest of the wedding
party.
Other elements (unity candle, special music, ritual of inclusion
for children, etc.) may be inserted in the ceremony where appropriate.
This is merely an outline of the flow of a typical ceremony.
My experience is that many couples will spend a great deal of time finding the right place for their ceremony, selecting the food for the reception, the dresses for the bridal party, the flowers, and a photographer to capture it all, and not really give that much thought to the ceremony itself. I think part of the reason for this is that many who are getting married today are not deeply grounded in any spiritual tradition and simply don't know where to begin. I believe the ceremony, itself, is the centerpiece of the wedding and that couples would do well to interview a number of officiants to find one with whom they feel comfortable and compatible, and who can assist them in creating a ceremony that has meaning for them.
I also have a good list of photographers, and musicians with
whom I have worked whom you might wish to call or interview.
If any of what you have read here resonates with you, give me
a call, send me an
E-mail, and let's arrange an initial consultation. There is
no charge and no obligation.
If you choose not to use my services, I wish for you much joy
and happiness. Married life is a wonderful and challenging adventure;
may you enjoy and learn from your journey together.
